Ercella learned a few things about the Baroness while spending time with her. She was the eldest daughter of the Marchens. She married Wendelman Contar at the age of nineteen and had a son and a daughter.
Not knowing this information, Ercella keenly felt the lack of communication.
“Now that you’ve learned to a certain extent, let’s move on to the real game.”
Ercella beheld the bunch of documents the Baroness was holding. Fear struck her as she gazed over the dense pile of paper.
“I’ve tied up the budget papers that I’ve calculated every three years. And this is the one year budget for the duchy that I’ve calculated and set aside. Would you like to take a look at it and make a separate budget yourself? Also, please note that we need to hire more servants next month.”
“…Yes?” Barely able to speak, Ercella took a deep breath. When she lifted the thick paper sheet with her thumb and index finger, she could see the dense print at a glance. Her heart began pounding.
“I, maybe I should learn a little more…” She was looking forward to this and wanted to do well, but the fear of making mistakes overrode it, hence was reluctant.
“The yearly budget doesn’t change much, so it shouldn’t be difficult. If you get stuck, you can ask for my help, Madam.”
“Well…” Her gaze tilted sideways. Unable to answer, her lips were closed straight.
“It’s not hard. Think of it as shopping. It’s more fun if you think about where to spend your money.”
"
"
Ercella smiled awkwardly. The Baroness’s words did not reach her. She had a lot of money in the first place, so she had never thought about where to spend it. She lived a life where she bought it if she wanted it.
“For example, estimating the cost of the Young Lord’s ordination ceremony this year…”
“The knight ordination ceremony?”
“Yes, things like that,” When she showed interest, the Baroness responded as if waiting for it. However, Ercella’s busy head couldn’t notice the Baroness’s intention.
She thought that it would be nice to hold a celebration when Vicente will be ordained as a knight. He hadn’t passed the exam yet, but if it’s the same as the past, he should be ordained this year, so it wouldn’t be bad to prepare in advance.
‘Did we ever hold a celebration in the past?’
We didn’t. Her conscience, sticking out from somewhere within her, was resolute. She never did anything for Vicente. It wasn’t exactly Harsen’s temperament either, and the Baroness, too, would’ve focused on ordinary matters.
‘Then…’
Her eyes were stinging. I feel awful for my son who couldn’t enjoy what he deserved just because of me.
Birthday parties. Ordination celebration.
And…a Coming-of-Age celebration.
My son, who deserved to enjoy those more than anyone else, couldn’t even enjoy the commonest things.
Just because of me.
Guilt always comes rushing over the painfully cruel facts. Things she imagined from time to time became very clear. If you hadn’t been born from me, if you had met a better mother. Things like these.
‘Let’s hold it this time for sure.’
Ercella tried to shake off the brooding image. Let’s try harder. She intoned in her heart.
“I’ll give it a try.”
After that, Ercella received a few more instructions from the Baroness.
It wasn’t the first time she was learning it, but it’s been a decade already, and at that time, she couldn’t delve deep into the duchy’s internal affairs, so Ercella had to be taught by the Baroness as if she was learning everything for the first time.
The densely listed formulae on paper were messing with her head, but she managed to understand the Baroness’s explanation. At the end of the explanation the Baroness put down her pen. “Then, shall we stop here for today? If you have any questions, please come any time.”
"
"
“Sure.”
Sorting out the documents, the Baroness was about to return to her seat. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Ah, well… Baroness.” Hesitant, Ercella stopped the Baroness as she was standing up. She had a question about her.
“Yes?”
“I heard you’re from Gracivan.”
It turned out that she had entered the Gracivan Academy.
She’s from Gracivan. Ercella had heard that there were women who were admitted into the school, but it was her first time seeing one in person. As she stared at the Baroness in awe, Ercela noticed a subtle change in her expression.
“Did you hear that from my husband?” The baroness sat down again with a strange smile.
“Yes.”
A few days ago, while passing through the hallway, she ran into Wendelman.
‘She may not look like it but she’s from Gracivan. There’s nothing you have to worry about…’
The nuance was that his wife would flawlessly take care of the Duke’s residence. He was worried that Ercella might nitpick his wife’s work.
“Oh, that guy seems to have said something useless.” The Baroness gathered her eyebrows as if troubled.
“What do you mean ‘useless’? How is it useless to say that a woman entered Gracivan? I think it’s rather incredible.”
However, in Ercella’s eyes, the Baroness had nothing to be embarrassed about. Even if the Baroness had spoken about it with pride, she would have accepted it.
Judging from the Baroness’s age, she would have entered Gracivan about 25 years ago. At that time, the bar for women entering the academy was as high as the city walls. How is it not incredible?
“Hardly. And to be clear with you, I didn’t graduate, so I’m not ‘from’ Gracivan.”
“Oh…” Ercella stared blankly at the Baroness’s face. An inexplicable smile hung around her lips. She didn’t graduate? Ercella didn’t know that, so she was flustered. Baron Contar never told her that.
“Oh, my. You don’t have to look at me like that. It’s an old tale, it means nothing now. And, my husband must’ve left that out. Perhaps, he dwells on it more than I do? In fact, considering the awful social notion behind it…it’s all in vain.”
The Baroness clapped her hands, perhaps bothered by Ercella’s look. Her voice was soft, as if trying to alleviate her regret, “No need to look like that. It wasn’t like I was wronged, nor was it because I didn’t have money because my family was ruined.”
“Then why—” Ercella inadvertently tried to ask a question but stopped when she found it rude.
However, the baroness was faster. “I had a baby.”
Her fingers, which were meaninglessly fiddling with the edge of the documents, stopped. “I should’ve been careful… I was careless. But what could I do when I was already pregnant? I had to give birth to it. It’s my fault, so I can’t blame anyone else. Once it happened, there was a lot to do. Starting with marriage, I had to start a new family, and when the baby was born, I was busy taking care of it. Then naturally, I grew distant from my studies. I thought about starting over again when the children were all grown up, but the passion I felt at the time had long since faded.”
Her face, as if immersed in a dream beyond, wavered in Ercella’s sight.
“How should I say this… When I think about those days, I feel empty and sad, I wonder if I could go back again… Sometimes, I think like that. But how is that possible unless you’re a god? Moreover, there is no god in Grania. There’s no helping it. All I can do is live my life to the fullest and be satisfied with it. Someone’s wife, someone’s mother, and the ideal that others want…”
Ercella looked sympathetically at the emotions revealed on the Baroness’s face. She had an idea where the Baroness’s affection for her stemmed from.
“That’s how everyone lives.”
It was the reality. The mood almost became solemn.
“But just because everyone lives like that, is there a law that states that we have to live like that, too?” Her laughing voice was full of warmth, and she spoke words that seemed clear but were not clear. The Baroness said it lightly, but if Ercella looked carefully, it was meant for her. Everyone lives like that, but you don’t have to.
“I heard from my husband that Madam is also interested in learning.”
Ercella was bewildered by the Baroness’s following words.
The Baroness added that she had noticed it, “I heard you used to often study in your free time.”
“How…”
When she realized what the Baroness was talking about, Ercella’s face flushed as if under the midsummer sun, “It’s a long time ago.”
It was so long ago that if buried in the ground, it would have been rotten by now, so her shame reached its peak.
Either way, the Baroness didn’t care and offered, “If you don’t mind, may I introduce my motivation?”
“Motivation?”
“Yes, I gave up halfway, but one of my classmates became a scholar. It’s rare but she’s a woman, and according to the letter she sent, she’s thinking of coming up to the capital soon. She wants to do research here, but worries whether she could find a side job.”
“If she’s a scholar, it’ll be easy for her to find a job in the capital. She can tutor a noble’s son, or she could be a lecturer at the capital’s academy.”
“Well… To do that, you have to join the association first, but the established scholars didn’t accept her. She could find a job personally, but it isn’t easy in a capital that is already saturated with scholars. She doesn’t have a lot of connections, either…”
“Ah…” A brief sigh escaped her lips. Back in the day, you’d seem cool as a scholar. Since they’re highly educated people, she had an inkling that they would be respected.
Ercella didn’t expect her to have to live so intensely. And the reason why her life was fiercer than others maybe because she was ‘her’.
“So, if Madam were to help my pitiful friend, there’s nothing more I could ask for. What do you think? If you’re still interested in studying, it won’t be bad to start over now.”
The unexpected recommendation blankly floated in her mind.
‘Teacher…’
To learn again. Whatever it is, again.
A scholar, a teacher, an instructor…and a woman.
She became curious about the person whom she had never met.
How strong is she? How did she soar whenever there was an obstacle in front of her? That woman… What kind of life has she led?
“She’s intelligent, but not stuffy. Of course, the choice is entirely up to you,” the Baroness’s voice contained a lot of affection towards her friend. Even though Ercella was hesitant, she felt shy refusing her when the Baroness talked about her passionately.
"
"
No. Actually, she didn’t want to say no. She wanted to learn, she wanted knowledge. She just wanted to do something.
“Alright, Ma’am. Can you inform her that I want her as my teacher? Or shall I write a letter myself?”
“You need not to, Madam. I’ll inform her. I’m sure you’ll like my friend, too,” the Baroness smiled.
Ercella couldn’t tell if that smile was because of her friend finding a job or some other reason.
“You made a good decision.”
A tiny bud sprouted in her chest. Ticklish, she grabbed the hem of her yellow dress.
